Queer girl jakarta — Coming Out
When i approach the topic of coming out..
Don’t expect me to talk about it the way a Counsellor or an Activist would.. I talk about it in the way I lay down next to a lover and ask:
“so- how did you, know?”
and their responses would be light, flippant, sometimes inconclusive.
How it would be from watching Glee and seeing the cheerleaders kiss, or from sleeping with their bule English teacher after graduation day (yes, yes I was surprised too, I dare not to ask further), and they just.. know.
I don’t think I ever really know, “know”.
it was a recurring question mark, with the ? sometimes becoming “?????” or a “?” or a “?….?”
Because for me, it’s only just like how I like the color blue.
Or how i prefer Indomie goreng over rebus.
But the closest I’ve ever had to knowing was:
A) going to first pride parade & seeing girls that look like me holding hands (apologies to my parents for sending me to school abroad & coming home with a They/Them pronoun instead of a degree)
B) having my 1st girlfriend and finally — love songs make sense! I finally UNDERSTOOD why they talk about it so much!
and may I add a side note that going from point A) to B) took some seriously rough journey,
which includes going to bars & getting first-kissed (on the cheek) by a girl who really just wants you to get her a free shot dammit (later I found that she’s straight with a husband named Elvis),
to … making out with your best friend & going WHAT THE FUCK afterwards
to .. SCBD power top that would offer a dream career path with the T&C of “coming over” to her place (I declined, I had morals back then. Now regretfully I am cursed with the whole LinkedIn labor),
to… yes druc-dealing partner that would love to [word redacted] you when you’re under influence. Sweet, sweet formative years.
______________
So, back to the topic, I would reply to people who banters with me about coming out that .. you don’t have to. For me it’s not the end all, be all. Or a destination. It’s more of an option..
Coming In is something that’s more important to me..
that you finally come to a place where you acknowledge & don’t repress it so much that it became a self-harming thing. That state of “Yaudah” , dude.
But did I came out? Yes, I did to some. It was private, and it can be hard at times.
But what soothed me is the gentle memory of my first love.
Knowing how Jakarta is best when you dont look at it directly in the eye .. u either peer down from the heights, or gaze up.
One night sleeping on her lap on taxi’s back; she looked down,
said.. my words were affirming and warm.
swarmed with affection, i gazed up, and our eyes met.
